Thanksgiving with Your Family

Are you wondering how you’re going to survive Thanksgiving this year? For those with troubled family dynamics, going home for the holidays often triggers gloomy feelings and memories. Engaging in family traditions, sitting at your childhood dining room table and listening to those familiar family jokes evokes none of the warmth and comfort illustrated by artist Norman Rockwell, or the lithographs produced by Currier and Ives. If you’ve grown up with relational trauma or emotional neglect, old and familiar hurts, feelings you prefer not to experience, inevitably resurface.

But must they?

Preparing for your family get-together is essential to protect your mental health. Here are 5 tips that will empower you and reduce the likelihood of becoming overwhelmed and hurt during the holiday season. 

1. Stay grounded in reality. We are surrounded by conversations, music and advertisements about family time during the holiday season. Know that your family doesn’t connect to each other in these idealized ways so don’t be seduced by all the hype and believe this year will be different. Protect yourself from disappointment by having realistic expectations. 

2. Take care of yourself by setting boundaries. If you’re expected to stay for the weekend but that feels too long, plan how long you wish to stay and give your family advance notice. Be polite but do what’s best for you. 

3. Give thanks. Concentrating on the true theme of Thanksgiving will give you perspective, lift your mood, reduce anxiety, and relieve stress. Maintaining an attitude of gratitude by focusing on the grace in you life will inhibit negative thinking and strengthen your sense of self.

4. Pay attention to your feelings even if no one else is. When feelings of disconnect, frustration, or hurt rise to the surface, notice them. Name the feeling, acknowledge where it comes from and accept that having the feeling is entirely appropriate. 

5. Get support. If you’re in a relationship with someone who understands your family history and dynamics (therapist, friend or significant other), talk to them. Let them know how you feel about being with your family, the minefields and mindfields you’ll be walking through and the support you’ll need from them. 

2 Alternatives: Thanksgiving Without Your Family

There are alternatives to joining your family for the holidays and you might want to think about them.

Here are 2 options worth considering.  

1. Become a giver. Engage in the giving part of Thanksgiving. Reach out to others who need your succor. Consider hosting a holiday dinner of your own and invite others who don’t have families who they can join. Giving in this specific way, will probably make you feel that you have received much more than you have given.

2. Volunteer. Join thousands of others across our country who celebrate the holidays with neighbors who rely on community centers for their dinner celebration. Holidays are a time for people to come together over a meal. It doesn’t have to be your own family. Being part of something larger than yourself is a rewarding and meaningful experience.

Knowing that you can meet your own emotional needs is empowering and validating. You can celebrate Thanksgiving or any holiday with a spirit of joy. Create a new tradition of honoring and nurturing yourself with much more than just food during this holiday season.