Like a plant, self-esteem grows when it’s nurtured in the right way and in the right environment.

Jack Hudson was playing with his best friend, Thomas Madsen. Thomas had a new game - bean bag toss - and he was keen on showing Jack how to play. Thomas handed Jack six small bean bags and instructed him to stand ten feet from the target. The target was a craftily built, angled platform that stood on the ground. The platform contained six holes, each marked with a point value. A loose sock made of netting was attached to each hole. The objective was to toss the bean bags so that they landed in the holes. The one who scored the most points was the winner.

Jack scooped up all the bean bags, cradled them in his arms and waddled to the spot in the grass marked by a twig, where Thomas had shown him to stand. Jack carefully positioned himself behind the twig, and then he pitched the bean bags one by one, as if he was pitching baseballs towards home plate. The first bag landed in a hole, scoring five points. The next two missed the holes and hit the platform with a thud. Two landed on the grass, and the last one landed in the center hole (25 points!) but bounced right out. 

As Jack ran forward to collect the bean bags, Thomas's mother said, “Great job on your first try, Jack!”

“Yeah,” Jack said, looking up triumphantly, making eye contact with Mrs. Madsen, “I think I can do even better next time.” Jack’s face was beaming.

Mrs. Madsen looked more closely at Jack. She was dazzled by the expression on his face and by his response, noting that it carried an important message. 

At first, Mrs. Madsen thought that Jack’s remark demonstrated he had a lot of self-confidence. But what she saw on Jack’s face and heard in his voice was something more than self-confidence. Jack demonstrated a positive self-image, or put another way, strong self-esteem. Self-confidence is a valuable trait but can be limited or linked to a particular area or skill. You can feel self-confident in the kitchen, but you can still feel insecure driving on a complicated highway system. Self-esteem is the belief that even if you are inexperienced with a certain kitchen task or you find map reading complicated, you’ll do well, nonetheless.  

Jack Hudson, at the age of six, already had enough self-esteem to believe that his skills would improve with practice. He didn’t become frustrated despite the failed attempts to score well, and more importantly, he anticipated success. At six, he had a “can do” attitude that many people don’t have at sixty. He didn’t need anyone to cheer him on because he knew how to do that for himself. 

How had Jack developed this attribute?

While we can’t discount Jack’s innate nature, his positive self-image was likely cultivated by the way his parents raised him. 

Developmental psychologist and author Alison Gopnik compares parenting to gardening, an analogy well worth exploring. 

All things in the plant kingdom such as flowers, shrubs, trees, or vegetables, need four common elements to grow: light, water, air and nutrients (usually gotten from soil). When they get the right combination of these, they grow to be robust and mature. 

Like plants, children have basic needs as well.

These include love, nutrition, safety, fresh air, structure, routine, adequate sleep, and social opportunities.  We can expect our children to thrive when these needs are met. 

If you’re a novice gardener, you will examine the small notice that comes along with each plant that provides instructions about how much sun or water to give the plant. Following these guidelines offers you a certain amount of assurance that your plant will grow and thrive.

Children don’t come with these tags and parents often learn on the job. A parent’s task is to present their children with optimal conditions to bloom into the unique adult they are meant to be. Here are some ways to do that.

Developmental Stages

Don’t plant too early in the season.  Know what to expect from children and when those expectations are realistic. It’s a common myth that parents instinctively know how to raise a child. A child’s’ needs change at every developmental stage and what might be appropriate at one stage is unfitting at another. Your own parents, other family members, or mentors might be good resources. Books by reputable authors are good sources of information as well. 

Don’t Be Ashamed to Ask for Help

We all have strengths and weaknesses. Know what you are good at and what you need help with. There is no shame in asking for help. On the contrary, asking for help is always a sign of strength, but shame is like a weed that pulls all the nutrients from the soil, leaving little behind to nourish the flowers. Where there is shame there is no room for growth, so don’t get entangled in shame.

Check for Weeds

Address problems when they first sprout.  Denying that they exist does not make the problem shrivel and die. Waiting gives the roots time to grow deeper and stronger.

Create Boundaries

Don’t let anything encroach on your flower bed. It’s your garden and you are its landscaper. Maintain your structure, your routine, and the lifestyle you deem fit for your children.

Look at the Whole Child

Don’t expect a rose bush to produce anything but roses. Similarly, respect the thorns on the rose’s stem and appreciate the velvety softness of its petals. Children, like roses, are individuals and have their own beauty and their own thorns. They are all part of the same flower. Honor the differences between the flowers in your garden as well as the differences within the same flower. 

Shaping

Pruning a plant encourages strong growth, enhances its natural shape and increases flower or fruit production. However, timing is everything. Do it at the right time and the plant will thrive by growing in the right direction. Do it at the wrong time and your plant will suffer.

Provide Extra Support When Needed

Certain plants, such as vines, need support. Some children (and some parents, too) benefit from outside support. Identify who needs extra help and get it. Some supports are temporary, while others are permanent. Don’t rush to remove additional supports for the sake of independence. When long term supports are needed, keeping them in place empowers the individual to reach their full potential and should be viewed as nothing less than favorable.

Expect and Accept Imperfection

Despite all your efforts, some weeds will pop up, a plant might not reach its full height, or the number of blossoms may be fewer than expected. Do not focus on what could have been or what should have been. Accept your flower for what it is and enjoy its beauty. No one will be perfect despite all the nurturing you’ve provided.  

Cultivate Strong Roots

Understanding and empathy are crucial fertilizer in promoting strong roots and limbs. You are your child’s biggest ally, their truest fan, their guiding light, and their anchor in life. Make sure they know it. Talk to them but listen more. Allow them to let you know if there is too much sun, not enough water, or if the soil is too compact or too sandy. Do not take their criticism personally. They need to know that you are always there for them despite their performance or their need for something other than what you wish to provide. They need to know that you see their beauty, even when they haven’t bloomed yet. They need to know that they cannot destroy you with their words, nor would you ever try to destroy them with yours

Tend to Your Garden and Watch It Grow

You did not go shopping for your children, they were given to you specifically. Even though they are yours, you cannot make them into another version of yourself. You cannot make a shy child speak loudly, but you can help them tolerate being in a group. You cannot make a loud child quiet, but you can teach them how to make space for others. You cannot prevent your child from having fears, but you can teach them to face their fears. You cannot protect your child from misfortune, but you can teach them how to build resilience. You cannot give your child everything they want but you can teach them to appreciate what they have.

I’ve heard parents say, “I run a tight ship”. Unless you are in the military and obedience is paramount, you probably want to develop a relationship with your child other than captain and sailor. All meaningful relationships share common elements. Here is a short list:  love, respect, tolerance, acceptance, affection, boundaries, patience, honesty, compromise, empathy, kindness, trust, and support.

From the moment your infant was conceived, the two of you entered into a lifelong relationship. Invest in it. A child’s choices, both big and small, may be influenced by you, but they are theirs to make. The time will come when your influence will steadily diminish, yet you do not want the same to be true of your relationship.

Jack Hudson’s parents taught him all about self-esteem through consistently listening to his thoughts and feelings while guiding and loving him with their own words, thoughts, and actions. He was a typical child. He threw tantrums, refused to go to bed when it was time, hit his younger siblings, threw things that were never meant to be airborne, and did all the other naughty things that get in the way of peace and quiet. Because his parents knew Jack’s behavior was typical of all children, they were able to focus on helping Jack regulate his emotions, express them, and accept the consequences of his behavior. Mr. and Mrs. Hudson were fully invested in Jack’s personal growth and gave him opportunities to learn about himself as an individual and learn about himself in the context of his world. Although only six, Jack shows empathy, respect and patience towards others and himself. I believe Jack – I am confident he will do better on his next round of bean bag toss!