Selfcare is on everyone’s mind these days.

Sticking to a food plan, going to the gym regularly, or staying within budget, all have one thing in common: self-discipline. Today, selfcare is on everyone’s mind but most of us don’t make the connection between selfcare, self-discipline. and childhood emotional neglect. However, they can be closely related.

What is self-discipline?

There are many ways to define self-discipline. It is the ability to control your behavior as you work towards a goal. It means leading yourself with your mind and not your mood. Professor of psychology and author Angela Duckworth explains it this way: “Self-discipline is the ability to suppress your response in the service of a higher goal…and that such a choice is not automatic but requires a conscious effort.” 

So many of us struggle with self-discipline. How often do we say these words out of frustration?

“I have no self-control. I can’t stick to my food plan. What’s wrong with me?”

“I know I should start preparing for tax season but I’m not in the mood to think about it today. I’ll think about it tomorrow.

“If only I had more self-discipline, I’d get up at 5:45 every day so I could go to the gym.”

We beat ourselves up for not having more self-discipline.

Why? Is it a character flaw?

An unsolvable problem?

Actually, no.

How might self-discipline be linked to childhood emotional neglect?

We are not born with self-discipline. It is not part of our autonomic nervous system like breathing.  Self-discipline, like other skills, must be learned. And like much of what we learn as children, self-discipline is taught both directly and through example. If self-discipline is foreign to you, it may be because you weren’t taught it. Self-discipline applies to all areas of your life, including your emotional, psychological and spiritual self.

Children are taught to do the right thing at the right time through the routine and structure their parents provide. They learn selfcare by being taught to brush their teeth, do homework before going out to play, and shower before bedtime. They are also taught to tolerate frustration, another form of self-discipline.

Here’s a conversation that plays out in every household.

“Hey Dad, can I have some cookies?”

“Sure, but just two, supper is in an hour.”

“Dad, can I have more?”

“No, Honey, we’re going to eat dinner soon and I don’t want you ruining your appetite by eating too many cookies.”

When dinner is ready at the right time, when snacks are provided but are not excessive, and the children understand what to expect, things flow smoothly. If the child is still hungry after eating cookies, their parent is flexible and offers a healthier snack like a bowl of soup. This child learns self-discipline and learns how to apply it later in life, too.

However, not every parent is comfortable with enforcing discipline.  Some want to avoid conflict when their child is hangry and frustrated. A parent might be distracted by something else, they may be exhausted, self-centered, or depressed. Instead of maintaining structure, they opt to take the easier route by turning a blind eye to unwanted behavior, or give in to the child’s demands. At that moment is seems the peaceful solution is to let the child eat a few extra cookies rather than get pulled into a power struggle. This is a short-sighted solution that causes long term problems.

When a parent lacks self-discipline, they can’t teach it to their children.

Do you struggle with poor self-discipline?

Without self-discipline, we internalize the idea that we have no control over our actions, and that our desires control us.  We want instant gratification.  The result of letting our impulse or desire roam unleashed often leads us to feelings of remorse, guilt and shame.

Negative critical thoughts like, “I’m so lazy, I never stick to a workout schedule... I always wait for the last minute to pull the assignment together…What’s wrong with me? I have no self-control, I  can’t keep to a food plan...I’m such a loser.” are common among people who struggle to do what they want to do, but instead do what they feel like doing. This leads to feelings of helplessness, which lead to lower expectations of success, and finally the loss of motivation, entirely. Why try when every effort is bound to end in failure?

Does it have to end this way?

No. It. Does. Not.

If you’re a parent who wants to teach your children self-discipline, first learn it yourself, model it, and then your children will follow suit. It’s one of the greatest gifts you can give them and yourself. It’s one of the keys to a successful life – one filled with contentment and pride.

Think of self-discipline as a muscle.

The more you work it, the stronger it gets.

Here’s how:

Identify your struggle. Are you a procrastinator? Is your eating out of control? Are you unable to hold down a job? Identify what you need help with.  If you can’t name it, you can’t tame it.

Change the way you think about yourself. Stop calling yourself names (you know what I mean, names like lazy, or incompetent). Your inner critic does not have the right to berate you, no one has that right.  Replace the harsh self-talk with compassionate self-talk.

Follow a positive thought with a positive action. Think about yourself in a different way, then do something that proves you right. If you’ve replaced “I am lazy” with “I am a hard worker,” do something that demonstrates you are a hard worker. Take action. If you haven’t been exercising, go for a ten-minute walk. If you haven’t worked on your tax documents, start putting them together. Thoughts that are reinforced by an action stick around longer than those that aren’t.

Embrace discomfort. Sweating is unpleasant and exertion is tiring. Both are physically uncomfortable but are part of the process of getting into shape. There will also be other feelings of discomfort, like failure. There are no successes without failures. Trying to stick to a food plan but occasionally succumbing to temptation is inevitable. Feeling like you’ve failed is uncomfortable, but after you’ve allowed yourself to feel discomfort, the feeling will pass. Conversely, if you avoid feeling the discomfort, the feeling is bound to linger.

Let go of perfectionism. It is an enemy that will defeat you every time. It will discourage and delay you. Perfection is a myth; it does not exist. Aim for good enough.

Put it first. If you haven’t been working out, that should be the first thing you do on your work-out days. If you haven’t been preparing dinner regularly, that is the first thing you do each day. Do not plan to do it later in the day because later usually doesn’t come.

Be Accountable. Set a goal and plan how to reach it. A goal without a plan is just a dream. Do one thing every day that you want to do but don’t feel like doing, and stop yourself from doing one impulsive thing that you are tempted to do. Add one new thing to this list every week. Keep a log to hold yourself accountable.

Delay gratification. If, for example, you are saving up for a major purchase, hold off on spending unnecessarily. Keep your eye on your goal and keep your goal in the forefront of your mind.

Praise yourself. Bring your attention to your achievements. Be as specific as you can. “I pulled myself out of bed this morning to work out. That was hard, but I did it anyway.” “I have been preparing nutritious dinners and I’ve been consistently feeding my family well-balanced meals for five days now.”

Self-discipline promotes self-esteem, reduces impulsive behaviors, and extinguishes the shame and blame cycle.

Self-discipline is a paradox. It sounds restrictive but frees you to do the things you want to do, not the things you feel like doing.