Feelings are like an app that comes preinstalled in every human being. The feelings app is like the weather app, but instead of letting you know the climate outdoors, it gives you information about the climate of your internal world.  This app is set to send you notifications. It pings and vibrates whenever you experience a feeling. 

Some people hear the ping, feel the vibration and check the app to see what feeling just came through, and make use of it. There are others who don’t bother to check the notification. Why not? One of two things might have happened. There may have been a communication failure; no one told them the app was installed or what it doe, so when they hear the ping and feel the vibration, they have no clue what the noise or vibration mean and they ignore it. For others, someone went into the app drawer and forced the app to stop running.

Not knowing what your feelings are puts you at a disadvantage. Feelings are there to let you know what you need. A rumbling stomach, a physical feeling, lets you know you’re hungry and it’s time to eat. Feelings also let you know what you need on an emotional level. For example, feeling lonely lets you know that you need companionship, so meeting a friend might be a good remedy.  Knowing what you feel clues you in on how to take care of yourself. If you are unable to identify your feelings, then you are deprived of vital information. Let’s take a look at someone who struggled with her feelings and what she discovered.

Elizabeth and Michael Miller* were foster parents to fourteen-month-old Mia. When Elizabeth first held Mia in her arms, there was no way she could have predicted how much angst this baby would cause her.

Elizabeth, an organized person, knew the importance of establishing a daily routine, so her days were arranged around Mia’s schedule. They spent their days in the yard or park, on the floor with toys or on the couch with books. Elizabeth talked to Mia throughout the day. She gave Mia a running commentary of where they were going, what they were eating, and what was happening around them. Elizabeth rocked Mia when she needed soothing, offered reassuring words to her when she was frustrated or cranky, fed her when she was hungry and dressed her in the cutest little outfits.

Elizabeth and Michael cared for Mia with love and devotion and Mia became the center of Elizabeth’s life. Whenever Mia did anything cute (everything she did was cute) she was rewarded with a big hug or smile. Elizabeth tossed her in the air and whirled her around the room. She stood in front of the mirror with Mia and cooed at their reflection, “Who’s a beautiful little girl?” she asked. Mia thrived in her new environment, and her antics were met with applause and praise. She was the light that lit up every room in the Miller house. 

With each passing day, Elizabeth grew more and more attached to Mia. While she loved caring for Mia, she began noticing that she also experienced moments of sadness. 

The sadness puzzled her. She tried to ignore it, but the feeling was too strong to ignore. Elizabeth was bewildered. She could not identify the source of her feelings, but she felt them acutely. First, she thought her sadness came from thinking about how hard it must be for Mia’s mother to be ill and unable to care for her child. But the feelings Elizabeth had did not seem tied to Mia’s mother, they felt directly linked to herself. Then, she thought her sadness was in anticipation of separating from Mia.  However, Elizabeth realized this explanation couldn’t be true either; she had begun feeling the sadness soon after Mia arrived, long before she started loving her.

Elizabeth wished she could just get rid of those unwanted feelings, the way one discards other unwanted objects.  But she couldn’t. As she lay in bed at night, she would feel an ache so strong that it often made her cry. 

After four months, Mia went back home to her mother. Michael and Elizabeth parted from her, knowing they had enriched her life and she theirs. 

Once Mia was gone, Elizabeth was determined to understand the sadness that plagued and mystified her while Mia lived with them. She began working with a therapist. The work they did proved to be enlightening and Elizabeth finally gained clarity. 

Elizabeth came to understand that Mia was the child that she herself had wanted to be; a child who was the object of her parents' love and attention. A child who was nurtured, admired and adored. A child who was comforted, guided, disciplined, and cherished. Elizabeth’s sadness was a form of mourning for her own childhood. 

She was finally able to name the feeling she had. 

It was grief. 

Elizabeth’s early life experiences were devoid of emotional expression or communication. Her family operated well on a pragmatic level, but a family that ignores feelings and doesn’t express emotions is a family that fails to provide the child with the type of bond they crave and need. This failure leaves an aching void.

Elizabeth could not remember a time when she felt close to her parents. She knew that they worked hard to provide her with material things, but she hadn’t felt that her parents were interested in knowing her. It was made clear to her that they were not interested in hearing about her ideas, thoughts, struggles or achievements. 

As a child, Elizabeth felt invisible. She learned to sail her own ship sans captain or crew, and made sure not to create a ripple in her wake. She navigated the deep and sometimes choppy seas all on her own. It was a lonely voyage.

As a foster parent, Elizabeth made contact with the pain she felt while she was young. The loving relationship she had with Mia uncovered the buried feelings of her youth. All the sad feelings that surfaced while caring for Mia were linked to the painful neglect she experienced as a youngster. The love and attention that she and Michael showered upon Mia stood in stark contrast to what she herself had received as a child.

Once Elizabeth made the connection between her sadness and the emotional deprivation she experienced in childhood, she was able to feel the sadness without the accompanying confusion or judgement. Feeling the sadness was important. Understanding where the feeling came from was validating. It made so much sense. After she acknowledged and accepted the feeling, it was able to pass through her, like a bad storm that came and then left. Feelings are often like the weather; they come, and they go.

There may be times when you are blindsided by a feeling, much in the same way as Elizabeth was. Have you ever found yourself suddenly crying while behind the wheel of your car or in the shower?  Crying is good for you because it’s a healthy release of emotions. However, it’s important to know what’s making you cry. Some common causes of crying are feeling angry, anxious, overwhelmed, or having an emotional flashback. It’s essential to know what triggered the tears because knowing this will lead you to the self-awareness you need to take care of yourself. If you’re feeling angry, maybe you need to talk to the person who’s angered you. I f you’re feeling overwhelmed, maybe you need to share your workload.

Childhood trauma is amenable to treatment.  Knowing how to label your feelings and being able to attribute them to their source provides relief from internal conflict or emotional dysregulation. In this vignette, Elizabeth needed to recognize her sadness and grief. She was unable to do it on her own because the anguish of her childhood experiences was not about what happened to her but what failed to happen. It’s hard to point to something that’s not there.

We all have feelings; it’s the way human beings are wired. Knowing how to name them, accept them, and tend to them is as important as knowing how to manage the more pragmatic parts of life. The pings and vibrations alert you that your feelings need your attention. Don’t ignore them.  They are valid and you are valid. If you are confused by your feelings, don’t despair. With some training, you can learn how to use the app. If you’re feeling numb, it means your app was turned off.  In that case, you need someone to help you relaunch it. Either way, it can be done.