Repair(ent) Yourself

Reparenting yourself means filling in the emotional gaps that occurred in your early life by giving yourself what you didn’t receive as a child. 

Looking back at your childhood, you recall times when you didn’t get the type of nurturing you needed. Some children suffer significant deprivation, others less so, while others have had good-enough parenting. Even adults who have had good-enough parenting may recognize existing gaps in their social-emotional skills. There are many reasons parents fail to meet their child’s needs, but one thing is certain - A parent cannot give a child something they don’t have.  

Everyone deserves a childhood where their physical and emotional needs are met, are so loved they feel it in their bones, and see it in their parent’s eyes.

Sadly, there are children who are not that fortunate. They grow up in an environment where they don’t feel nurtured at all, or are insufficiently nurtured, leaving them feeling emotionally deprived. When this feeling of deprivation is acute, they feel like something important was stolen from them. Being robbed of good parenting leaves them feeling handicapped. They identify as a victim.

Victimization Versus Victimhood

Although their suffering is undeniable, there is a way to repair the brokenness they feel. Before this type of repair can be made, it would be helpful to understand the difference between victimization and victimhood. As Dr. Edith Eva Eger, a world-renowned psychologist and survivor of Auschwitz writes in her book The Choice, “At some point we will suffer some kind of affliction or calamity or abuse, caused by circumstances or people or institutions over which we have no control. This is life. And this is victimization. It comes from the outside.”

Growing up without feeling securely attached to their primary caregiver leaves the now- grown adult with an aching void. Eger contrasts victimization with victimhood and offers hope to survivors of trauma. She writes, “…victimhood comes from the inside. No one can make you a victim but you. We become victims not because of what happens to us but when we choose to hold on to our victimization. We develop a victim’s mind - a way of thinking and being that is rigid, blaming, pessimistic, stuck in the past, unforgiving, punitive and without healthy limits or boundaries. We become our own jailors when we choose the confines of the victim’s mind.”

By no means are these words meant to dismiss or diminish anyone’s suffering. Their suffering was real, its effects linger, and their feelings are valid. As with all injuries, healing is required and in cases of emotional deprivation, the work of healing does not simply occur with the passage of time. The aphorism “Time heals all wounds” is not entirely true. Yes, the skin on your finger will knit itself together after you cut yourself on a sharp knife, however, a deeper wound requires surgery which is often followed by a period of rehabilitation. An emotional injury whose wound is deep needs therapeutic intervention. Therapeutic intervention enables one to shift their mindset away from victimhood. It frees them from past trauma and allows them to live an unencumbered life with the promise of a fuller, more gratifying one.

Reparenting Yourself

For those who hold on to their victimization, here is one way feelings of brokenness can be repaired: Reparent yourself. Here’s how. Reflect on your childhood experiences and search for a time when you needed emotional support from your parent but were deprived of it.

You were in first grade. Your school building was large, especially through the eyes of a young child. On the second day of school, your ten-year-old sister brought you into the building and was walking you to your classroom. She got distracted by her friends and instead of walking you all the way into the classroom, she let go of your hand and pointed towards a door.

Your eyes followed her pointing finger and three doors stood in front of you. You weren’t sure which room she meant but when you turned your gaze back at her, she was gone. You stood there, frozen, not knowing which way to go. All the classroom doors looked identical. You saw dozens of students walking purposefully through the hallway, but you didn’t know where you should go.  After a few moments, you caught sight of someone you recognized from the day before. You remembered her because she had bright red hair. You watched her go into a classroom and you knew that was the room where you belonged. You followed her in and found your desk. 

When you got home, you didn’t tell your mother about how scared and lost you felt that morning. Based on past experiences with her, you knew she wasn’t emotionally available. You knew she wouldn’t pull you close to her, squeeze you tightly with one hand and pat your head with the other. She wouldn’t soothe you, croon in your ear and tell you that now you were safe in her arms.

Many years have passed since that day in school. You’ve grown up. You understand how important it is to soothe and comfort children. It’s time to provide the long overdue comfort to your six-year-old self. You might feel silly doing this exercise, but it can be transformative and free you from the ancient feelings you’ve been carrying around. (Best practice is to do this with a therapist).

Sit by yourself in a quiet room and imagine that your six-year-old self is there with you.  Imagine holding her on your lap with your arms wrapped around her, rocking her back and forth. You speak to her in a soft soothing voice and label all the feelings she had while standing in the hallway, letting her know you see her and what she’s experienced. Imagine telling her she is safe now, and that you’ll always take care of her. Now imagine being your six-year-old self and receiving that love. Stay in the room a few moments longer and let that sink in. 

If you’re not ready for this yet, here’s something else you might consider trying. Identify the negative beliefs you have about yourself that you learned in early life.

You’re bright and ambitious. You are a creative designer of marketing tools but you’re fairly new to the field and haven’t built a reputation for yourself yet. You work hard cultivating relationships with prospective clients. One of these, whose account you were hoping to win, just informed you that he’s decided to sign on with someone else.

“I just don’t have what it takes,” you think to yourself when you hear the news. You feel crushed when you hear he’s chosen to work with someone else. His account was a large one and you know that if he had signed on with you, your manager would have noticed your good work - reeling in a big fish.

“I’ll never be good enough to make it in this field,” you think to yourself.

Your mind floats back fifteen years. A scene pops into your head. You were nine years old. Your father came home from work and you proudly handed him a paper with a phone message you’d taken earlier. He looked down at it and saw a number without the caller’s name. Tired and stressed, he let out his frustration on you.  “Look at this message! How am I supposed to know whose number this is? You didn’t write down the person’s name. I keep telling you how to take phone messages and you never do what I tell you. Stop answering the phone if you’re not going to do it right.”

What your father said to you about the phone message was itself a message - a negative one. Messages like this one were repeated to you and a negative belief about yourself took root - You are incompetent.

Although it isn’t true, it feels true.

When things don’t work out the way you hope they will, you blame yourself. You conclude that it’s your fault because you are incompetent.

This is the perfect opportunity for you to reparent yourself. You can speak to the young child that you were, or you can speak to the adult that you are today.  Here’s what speaking to your adult self might sound like.

“I’ve been working hard. I bring a good attitude to work with me every day. I think I give off positive vibes. I didn’t land this account but there are others out there. I’ll bring my notes to Debbie and ask her what she thinks I could have done differently. Maybe I did everything right and there were factors which swayed their decision that have nothing to do with me. I’m disappointed. It would have been nice to get this account, but I won’t let it discourage me.

This inner dialogue represents the following attributes or skills, ones your parents failed to teach you; self-esteem, asking for help, awareness of your feelings and resilience.  

More on Reparenting

Another strategy for reparenting yourself is identifying your weak points and targeting them for improvement. For example, if you realize that you need to improve your self-discipline, keep one promise to yourself every day. Be sure to start slowly, by setting yourself up for success. Don’t promise yourself that you will go to the gym if you know that it is unlikely you will follow through. Instead, promise yourself that you will take a ten-minute walk during the day and choose a specific time of day e.g. your lunch break. Then do it whether you feel like it or not. Remember to do what you want to do, not what you feel like doing. There’s a difference!

If your goal is to become more aware of your feelings, promise yourself that you will put aside ten minutes each evening to reflect on your day and label three feelings you had. If you need help, refer to a feelings-word chart to help you identify them. 

Because you tend to be overly self-critical, you probably don’t treat yourself well enough. Give yourself more opportunities for fun and pleasure. Do activities you enjoy and treat yourself to things that will enable you to enjoy yourself.  Buy yourself that new bike, enroll in the class you are interested in, sit at the piano and do sing-alongs with your family. Anything that gives you pleasure and enhances your well-being is a worthwhile endeavor.

Breaking the Cycle of Neglect

As someone who wasn’t nurtured enough, you’re committed to break the cycle of neglect. It didn’t start with you but it ends with you. You will not pass this trait on to your own children. You are worthy of being seen and understood. Pay attention to your own feelings and needs. Give yourself the love you didn’t receive. It will help you be a better parent, but more importantly, it will help you be a happier and healthier you. That’s a win for everyone.