I See You

“Children should be seen and not heard.” 

This proverb originated in the fifteenth century and was meant literally. It could have been a valuable piece of advice had it stopped at the halfway mark: Children should be seen.

The producers of Romper Room, a popular TV program during the 1950s and 60s, must have understood how important it is for children to be seen. The show was geared towards preschoolers and each day, the show’s hostess had a dozen children on the set. Amidst the fun and games she taught age-appropriate lessons like having good manners and turn-taking. Although a different group of girls and boys appeared in every episode the show always ended the same exact way.

At the end of the show, the hostess placed a large hand mirror in front of herself so her face was hidden. Then, the glass inside the frame magically disappeared and the viewers could see her again. This mirrorless frame gave her magical powers - she could look through it and see all the youngsters at home who were watching the program. As she looked through this magic mirror, her velvety voice recited the names of the children that she saw. 

"I see Billy, and Margie, Debbie and Larry. I see Beth, and Emily..."

All the while, I (along with thousands of other children) would lean forward and listen, waiting for her to say my name.

We all wanted to be seen.

Children make this very clear to us. How many times have you taken your children to the pool, hoping to relax with friends, but it was not meant to be? 

“Ma, watch me dive.”

“Ma, look how long I can hold my breath underwater.”

“Ma, did you see me touch the bottom of the pool?”

“Ma, Ma, Ma…”

Emotional Connection

Children have an emotional need for their parents to see them while they do extraordinary things, but they also need to be seen while going through the ordinary routine of their daily lives.  They learn multiplication facts from their teachers, and they learn about themselves from their parents.. Like the Romper Room hostess, parents have a magic mirror too, only theirs is far more powerful. Parents see their children and, like a mirror, they reflect what they see. This is done both verbally and non-verbally.

Being Seen - What Does It Mean?

Dr. Daniel Siegel*, renowned psychiatrist and author, identifies the need to be seen as one of the four determinants of a child’s success. He writes,

“One of the very best scientific predictors for how any child turns out — in terms of happiness, academic success, leadership skills, and meaningful relationships — is whether at least one adult in their life consistently shows up for them. And showing up doesn’t take a lot of time or energy, it just requires acting in ways that ensure a child feels the Four S’s: Safe, Seen, Soothed and Secure.”

What does being seen mean? Watching your children’s stunts at the pool is one way of noticing them, but that takes place on the surface (even if they are showing you they know how to swim under water!).

How do we help our children feel seen on a deeper level - the level that counts? It involves much more than paying attention to their behavior. It requires parents to be attentive to what’s happening on the inside. Being curious about that takes you beneath the surface.

All the kids at the party played on the swings and jumped on the trampoline. This year’s party game was Guess How Many Jellybeans Are in the Jar and everyone made their best guess. After Mom announced the two winners and gave them their prizes, she handed each child a packet of stickers which she called the Booby Prize. As Mom offered six-year-old Emma her stickers, Emma looked straight into Mom’s eyes and declared with derision, “I don’t like those stickers and I don’t want them”. Then she walked away.

Emma’s comment came across as defiant and bordered on insolence, or so one might think, if they weren’t thinking!  

Looking beneath the surface, Mom understood that Emma was disappointed that she hadn’t won. Very disappointed.

Mom understood that Emma has a great deal of self-confidence and assumed she would win. It was also likely that Emma felt embarrassed that the winner was three years her junior. Tuning in to Emma, Mom understood what Emma was feeling. This guided Mom away from a confrontational exchange that might have ensued had she only responded to Emma’s behavior. Instead, Mom responded to what was going on beneath the surface. Later, when Emma approached Mom asking for her sticker, Mom gave her a big hug too.

Of course, it’s essential to set boundaries, but Emma had crossed none. She was simply communicating in a way that was age-appropriate. Understanding what drives a child’s behavior molds your response. This lets her feel that she is seen and understood. Ultimately, it helps her understand herself – an important part of developing into an emotionally healthy adult.

“It’s a Joy to Be Hidden

But a Disaster Not to Be Found.”

-Donald W. Winnicott

Think of the popular children’s game of Hide and Seek. There is nothing more thrilling than finding a good hiding place, but nothing could be more devastating than no one discovering you.

Famous pediatrician and psychoanalyst D. W. Winnicott, certainly did not agree with the notion that children should be seen and not heard. He understood that we crave relationships where we are seen and valued for who we are. However, if our early life experience taught us that being seen leads to rejection, we learned to hide our true self.

How do parents train themselves to discover who their kids are, and how do they train their kids to feel safe enough to reveal themselves?

One common practice is spending time with each child before they fall asleep. Ironically, this is when parents just want the day to be o-v-e-r! Planning adequate time for bedtime rituals, makes it possible to use these moments to bond. Reserving this time of day (or night, depending on how you look at it) for the two of you - no intrusions or intruders allowed - gives your child the space to talk about real or imaginary things while you are fully present. Most of these conversations will be ordinary ones, but this routine, when used well, fosters closeness and intimacy.

When something out of the ordinary occurs, your child will share it with you. The communication may not be sensational – it might simply be a feeling that wouldn’t typically be revealed. When your response is open and accepting, your child will know deep in their bones that they are seen and accepted..

Emotional Awareness

If being seen and understood was not an experience you had while growing up, what can you do so that your own children get what they need from you? If you haven’t experienced it yourself, it may not be intuitive. Here are some ideas.

1. Talk with your children. Increase the amount of conversation you have with them. Words have great utility. They are used to communicate on a functional level such as letting your children know that dinner is ready. However, we also need to connect on an emotional level such as talking about how they felt about the backyard party.  

 2. Start conversations that increase emotional connection. Share your personal thoughts (within limits) and invite your children to share theirs. Comment on what they’ve said – this shows them that their ideas have value. Let them know that you’ve heard them by repeating what they’ve said using your own words. If you’ve misunderstood them, they will let you know. Frequent exchanges deepen your relationship. Remember, you don’t have to agree with them, but you do have to understand them. This is a useful exercise for couples as well.

 3. Use feeling words when talking to your children. Here are some examples that help them identify and talk about their feelings: “Are you excited about getting the solo? Are you disappointed with the yearbook job you got? You seem cranky today, is something bothering you? Do you feel like being left alone? Are you satisfied with what you got? Were you proud to be chosen as captain”? Using feeling words when talking to your children makes the communication more precise and helps them know themselves better. 

Here are some examples of talking about your own feelings: “I feel excited that I’ll be talking to Stephanie later, I miss her so much. I’m worried that I didn’t make enough food for the party. I ‘m concerned about Grandpa, he doesn’t look well.” Using feeling words when talking about yourself gives your children a model from which to work. It also brings you closer to each other.

Emotional Nourishment

Think of words as nourishment. You feed your children nutritious meals to keep their bodies healthy. Feeding your children emotional words nurtures their emotional health. The words you use show them you see them. Just as the occasional bag of chips or chocolate bar won’t ruin their health (okay, not so occasional), the occasional failure to be attuned to your child will not damage your relationship either.

Recently, I attended a webinar and although the host did not have a magic mirror, he must have been a Romper Room fan, too. As he drew the webinar to a close, he said goodbye to every participant.

“Goodbye Mark, goodbye Jacob, goodbye Kristi, Lauren and Michelle...” It’s been some time since I attended preschool, but it still feels good to be seen.

*You can listen to Dan Siegel here